How a person deals with porn and masturbation addiction is a very personal thing, what works for one may not work for someone else. At least that it is how I have come to see things over the past 27 days of being porn free.
The other day I came very close to watching porn. Why? Well, I think I have come to accept that anger/frustration is one of my triggers. I was having a very bad day, and I just could not see the positiveness of the situation or the future. I wanted to give up on everything. My reaction wasn’t surprising because it’s what happens when I can’t see any other way.
Anyway, back to Monk Mode. Although, I have been porn free for over 3 weeks I have still been experiencing lustful thoughts at times. I mentioned in a previous post that my partner had sent me several semi nude images, which I have used for masturbation purposes. Neither of us had any issues with that, but I think at this stage for me personally it is not healthy in my recovery as the images remind me too much of porn and I want to totally remove any connection in my mind.
So, I decided to delete all the images my partner sent me, and instructed her not to send anymore, regardless of what I say in the future. I have to break this long cycle of lust that seems to totally control me at times. I know some people don’t have an issues with nude photos of their partner, and that is fine if it doesn’t trigger them or they have learnt to control their triggers.
I on the other hand have not learnt either.
I know going full Monk Mode is going to be very challenging, even more so as I approach the longest period in my adult life where I have been porn free. I am expecting anger, I am expecting frustration, I am expecting to feel sorry for myself.
I know having all these expectations is dwelling on the negative, but I haven’t progressed enough to deal with my current ‘normal’ reactions.
How long am I aiming for with Monk Mode? A minimum of one month, and a maximum of a year. Even as I write this I am feeling like the Alcoholic who is craving one last drink before getting on the wagon.
Self control is harder than I thought it would be regarding porn and masturbation, oh and the other issues I am working through too.
At this stage I really don’t know what my future is. I don’t know how I will be tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. I don’t know anything.
It’s a weird feeling thats for sure.