It’s been a while since I have last posted anything, so it’s time for an update. I have some sad news, some bad news and some other news to share.
The Sad News
In my last post I shared that my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness and that he was given an estimated 6 months to live, well on Christmas day he died. We were all taken a little by surprise at the suddenness of which he passed, but I consider it a blessing that he died after having seen the vast majority of his friends and family and was able to at least interact with them.
Me and my dad had a weird relationship, we couldn’t be described as close, but we certainly weren’t enemies. My mother is devastated as is to be expected, as is my sister and my half brothers. I feel strangely good, but also conflicted as at times I feel that I shouldn’t be feeling this way.
I didn’t see my dad that often, we never spoke on the phone and at times it was just awkward. I think there was regret on the side of my dad, because when I was a child we were very close, I was a proper daddy’s boy. We drifted apart from my teenage years on wards, and I blamed him for a lot so I had a lot of stuff to work through.
Now, I hold no resentment towards my dad and I wish him only the best with his journey in Spirit.
During the 1960’s my dad was in a band called ‘The Mirror’, he wrote a song called ‘Ginger Bread Man’. The appeared on TV with other big names at the time and could of easily gone on to pretty big things, but sadly things don’t always go to plan.
The Bad News
After about 150 days being porn free I failed! There was just so much going on in my life and I was trying to keep everything under control, I was trying not to lose my temper with my kids and partner, there was the stress of my dads illness, the company I work for going into administration and our landlord deciding to evict us through no fault of our own.
There is still a lot of stress going on in my life, as there are big changes at work, my dads funeral hasn’t happened yet, and we still can’t find a suitable home to move in to.
So, I am not back to being porn free yet. The porn doesn’t have the same level of control over me that it used to have, and I don’t claim to be porn free, but when I do view it and do it in a mindful manner, if that even makes any sense!
I have been five months without porn and masturbation in my life, so I know this is a bump in the road towards the end goal of full recovery and I am not berating myself for my failure to abstain, because what will that gain me other than creating more self hatred in my life that I have worked very hard to recover from.
Despite all the negative events over the past few months, and the failure of my recovery from porn, how do I feel about the future?
Surprisingly I actually feel really good, very positive. I don’t look at any of these events as negative and something to be depressed and down trodden about. They are challenges to be overcome, and if they can’t be overcome, they can be learnt from.
So no, things are not perfect, but they are an opportunity for personal growth. Will I allow porn to tighten its grip on my life? NO! Because I have loosened its grip of control once, and now I know for the first time in my adult life how I feel with porn in my life and how I feel without it.
Once I get back fully on the recovery wagon I know I can go 5 months because I have done it before, and if I go 6 months and fail again, that is still progress and I will not shame myself for any progress I make.
I accept and love myself for the progress I have made, and the progress that I continue to make. Nobody can take that away from me!
A Final Note
For anyone who struggles with addictions, changing behaviors, mental health concerns etc, my heart goes out to you. Everyday we wake up and face the challenges of the day, is another chance to improve and to prosper. There is no such thing as failure, there is just learning.
We only fail, when we accept failure as our reality!