I am a self confessed failure. The trouble is, I’m good at it! Damn you devil of low self worth sitting on my shoulder. When I went into crisis back in the summer of 2019 I was in a dark, dark place and I had issues. So many issues.
I had so much shit to work through, I still have so much shit to work through, but every day gets easier, or should that be more tolerable?
I know now that I am not my issues, I am much stronger, more balanced and more serene than I have been in a long time.
Before I get off track where was I? Oh yes, failure.
I think my appetite for failure stems from my school years. I was never academic, and I failed at basically all of my subjects. Most of my school years was spent being shown in one way or another that I wasn’t good enough. I was always made to feel inferior, never good enough. Despite all this negative feedback I always wanted to be more, to be the best that I possibly could be, well so I thought.
I kept trying to be the best I could, but I kept failing. I didn’t want to be seen as a failure so I masked my lack of ability by adapting an attitude of not giving a shit. Deep down I resented my peers and my teachers. I thought that if I didn’t try, I didn’t fail, because technically I never tried in the first place.
Weird logic I know.
Failure is not seen the same way as when I was a kid, but as a society we still shun failures. That is till the failures become global successes, then we worship their success and kinda sweep their failures to one side.
I Expect Failure
My fear of failure has manifested today into my behaviour of doing just enough so that I don’t succeed, but also not to fail either. No matter how hard I work, or what I achieve I can find a way to justify my failure or lack of success. Sure we can all feel like we left something in the tank so to speak. That is not what I am trying to relay here.
I rarely follow through with things, because I suppose my low self worth prevents me from recognising the benefits I have gained from the things I have done. Even when I am praised for the things I have done, it’s hard for me not to think people are being insincere or even sarcastic. Because to me I can see the flaws in what I have done, and what I have done generally is never good enough.
People say that time is a great healer, in some regards that’s true. Not when it comes to dealing with how one thinks and perceives things. In time things rarely become clearly, they generally become much more distorted. Negative thoughts never become clearer, they become more negative.
I could continue on with my cycle of negative-positive living or I could vow to change my self destructive habits. Anybody can play the victim, and many people choose that, and that is their right. We all have a story to tell, there are plenty of people who did shit at school like myself, and still prospered in life.
We have to be honest with ourselves, we have to look at ourselves in the mirror of life and admit our flaws, not in a boasting egotistical way or even from the point of view of self pity, but from the point of awareness.
We have to see our shit for what it is, and own it.
Some people take a long time to own their shit, for me it took the separation from my partner and children, and seeking the help of a therapist. For others it may take being repeatedly smacked upside their head to make them see sense, but hey who am I to judge another’s path?
We Have To Choose
Despite our circumstances mostly we all have the right to choose our futures, and every one of us has the power to choose our thoughts. We can decide to think positive uplifting thoughts, or we can choose to dwell in negativity and self pity.
Every single minute of our life we have the power to control our thoughts, we can make the choose to live in fear, or we can embrace the courage to go beyond our self imposed limitations and break free of tribal thinking.
As I walk this path back to God I can tell you one thing, it’s scary! Trusting in God and thinking His thoughts takes great faith.