gratitude, Porn Addiction, Success

90 Days Porn Free!

Today is the day that I never thought I would ever get to, well not in the early days at least.  I have been free of porn for 3 months!  I have never been free of porn or masturbation for this long in my life, so this is rather a big milestone for me.

I would like to say that it has all been plain sailing for me, and all I had to do was to stop watching porn and masturbating and everything turned out all fine and dandy.

Oh how I wish.

Temptations And Challenges

There were times I could of caved in and thought fuck it, what the hell, it’s just porn it’s no big deal.  Everyone does it right, everyone watches porn.  I could of so easily taken that route, more so recently with my personal and family circumstances.

As tempting as it was at times to succumb to my base desires, I drew a line in the sand that dictated that this was as far as I was willing to be pushed, and not an inch further.  Do or die, that was and is my attitude.

Very recently I came very close to resorting to porn, my mind became very sexualized, and I could feel myself mentally slipping back into the old ways.  I was very confused as to where these thoughts and urges had come from, I had been keeping myself away from all sexual content for three months.  Then it dawned on me that I had started watching a series on Amazon that had some sexual content in it within the earlier episodes and this had uprooted unconscious desires that had laid dormant over the past few months.

As soon as I realized this, the urges stopped, at least for now.  These pesky little sexual hooks as I call them can really sink a person during recovery if they are not aware.  I have been tempted and I survived more or less in tack.  I knew at some point that this temptation would at some point have to be confronted and dealt with, but I wasn’t ready for this little sneaky assault.

Ready For The Next 90 Days

I can’t live in a bubble pretending that things of a sexual and depraved nature do not occur within this reality, because sadly we are living in an  overly sexualized society and putting my head in the sand pretending that it isn’t so, or shouldn’t be, will not protect me in any shape or form.

I have survived my first real assault, and now it is time to regroup, polish my armor and strengthen my resolve.

I have survived 90 days, and I feel more confident within myself and my energy is rising week by week.  I don’t expect further challenges or obstacles between now and Christmas, but I also will not shy from them either.

I walk the right path, and I know this more than I have known anything before in my life.

Onwards my friends.

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Journey Of Jae, Mental Health, monk mode, Porn Addiction

Journey Of Jae – 23 Oct 2019

What’s Jae’s Journey About?

In a nutshell, Jae’s journey is about transformation. When I started this journey I was struggling, really struggling. I am a recovering porn and masturbation addict, and like other addicts I have recurring mental health issues.

This is my on-going journey.

Hard Mode Updates

This has been my first update in a while, so whats been happening?  Well, as things stand I have been porn and masturbation free for 83 days today!  Go me!…lol

The Less Good News

That’s the good news, the less good news is that we still haven’t found another property to rent as yet, our landlord is being ‘tolerant’ with us, but I do wonder how long that will last.  I told him a few weeks back that I am not going to move my disabled partner and children into a substandard property just to please him.  If he doesn’t like it then he will just have to take us to court, and legally speaking we haven’t done a thing wrong.

Anyway, let us see what the next few weeks bring.

The Bad News

Now, the really not good news is that last week I found out that my dad has a terminal brain tumor and he has been given just 6 months to live.  There is no treatment that is available to him because physically he is very weak and it would be unlikely that he would survive the treatment.

My dad hasn’t had the best year so far, as back in the summer he under went a quadruple heart bypass, which to be honest I didn’t expect him to survive due to his other medical issues.

The only good news concerning my dad is that he isn’t in pain, and it is unlikely that he will experience any for the remainder of his time.

Personal Disciplines This Week

  • Fasted for 16 hours.
  • Regular repetition of affirmations.
  • Read for an hour per day

Darkest Before The Dawn

These last few weeks haven’t been easy for me, but I am still maintaining a sense of emotional balance which I am actually pleasantly surprised about.  I am not sure how often I will be able to write considering the challenges that I am facing regarding our housing situation and the illness of my dad, oh and I almost forgot, I could also be facing unemployment due to challenges within my company.

Like the rest of us, I have two options to facing my challenges, one is to be crushed and defeated by them, and the other is to rise and face them head on.  I have been crushed in the past, and I know how it makes me feel, so I choose to rise and look my challenges square in the eyes and face my fears head on.

Onwards dear friends!

 

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Anger, Goals, God And Religion, gratitude, Journey Of Jae, Mental Health, monk mode, Porn Addiction, positive thinking, Success

Journey Of Jae – 06 Oct 2019

What’s Jae’s Journey About?

In a nutshell, Jae’s journey is about transformation. When I started this journey I was struggling, really struggling. I am a recovering porn and masturbation addict, and like other addicts I have recurring mental health issues.

This is my on-going journey.

Monk and Hard Mode Updates

  • Hard mode – 66 days
  • Monk mode – 8 days.

Note: I am feeling very pleased and positive with my progress concerning my ongoing progress of my porn and masturbation recovery.  I am getting closer and closer to my first target of 90 days without incident!

Personal Disciplines This Week

  • 20 minutes meditation today
  • Fasted for 16 hours.
  • Regular repetition of affirmations.
  • Visualized the manifestation of my goals both in the morning and before falling sleep.

This Weeks Affirmation

‘“I am effortlessly intending that money comes to me’

What I’m Grateful For This Week

Today, I am grateful that God has blessed me with opportunities and inspiration.

How Have I Been Feeling

This week has been crazy busy, things have been moving, not so much physically, but mentally.  This is a really good sign, it’s not something I have felt for a long, long time.  I don’t want to say too much at the moment as I don’t wish to ruin things, but I can safely say that riding myself of porn and masturbation etc has really jump started things for me much more than I ever expected.

My next ‘Jaes Journey’ should be a little more revealing regarding that I have been up to.  Sorry to be secretive, but sometimes it’s much more important to say nothing.

So, in the mean time I will leave you with…

Thought Of The Week

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What I’m Reading This Week

What’s It About

The Biology of Belief is a groundbreaking work in the field of new biology. Former medical school professor and research scientist Bruce H. Lipton PhD presents his experiments, and those of other leading-edge scientists, which examine in great detail the mechanisms by which cells receive and process information.

The implications of this research radically change our understanding of life, showing that genes and DNA do not control our biology; instead, DNA is controlled by signals from outside the cell, including the energetic messages emanating from our positive and negative thoughts.

This profoundly hopeful synthesis of the latest and best research in cell biology and quantum physics has been hailed as a major breakthrough, showing that our bodies can be changed as we retrain our thinking. This 10th-anniversary edition of Bruce Lipton’s bestselling book is updated with the latest scientific discoveries of the past ten years.

Find out more and read the reviews

Watch The FREE lecture

Help Support My Path

Donate To My Path

I am constantly seeking to learn and grow, please help me to purchase new books so I can expand my knowledge of personal growth, addiction, recovery etc so that I may give back to you the reader with better and better content. 🙂

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Porn Addiction

How To Stop Viewing Porn

Viewing porn is destructive both to the individual viewing it, but also to those nearest and dearest to them too. The habit that is formed through years of porn and masturbation is not only selfish, but is detrimental in many, many ways.

This post is written from first hand experience, from someone who has struggled with porn in one format or another for almost 30 years.

Change and transformation is possible, but first…

My Brief Story

I first discovered porn when I was a teenager, you could say that I ‘accidentally’ discovered my dads stash of porn magazines, and at a later date I discovered after a little bit of searching, his porn films.  Remember this was back in the old days before people used the internet as they do today.  Yeah I know, I sound really old!

A while later we got connected to the internet (told you I was old..lol) and then I discovered online porn, back in those days it was mostly images of varying degrees of depravity, but later it gravitated onto short downloadable video clips.  Even in those days I could download 50 short videos per evening, doesn’t sound like a lot, but in those days of dial-up everything was S-L-O-W!

Eventually we got broadband and that was when the problems began, that’s when I entered the world of streaming videos, live chat, cyber sex you name it I have at one time or another probably done it.

I had no idea that what I was doing back then was slowly altering the way I thought, and how I perceived things.  I assumed all guys my age did what I did.  Naturally I never asked my male friends, because generally it wasn’t discussed at length because we all assumed we were all doing the same thing.  Where’s the problem right?

It Took Me A Long Time To Quit Porn

When I was 24 years old I settled into a serious relationship, not sure how it happened to be honest because porn seems to distract you from wanting anything to do with a real woman, anyhow, I digress.

In the early days of my relationship my porn use took more of a back seat, because I was having real sex with a real woman, but then it slowly began to take over more and more control.  I would find myself staying up late using the computer instead of going to bed with my partner.

The further the relationship progressed the more I used porn to help me cope with issues within the relationship and life in general, but the problem was that it didn’t help, it didn’t help at all!

All the time I was hiding my problem with porn, I was blatantly lying about what I was doing on the computer.  It took me about 15 years to admit to my partner that I had a problem with porn.  I thought by admitting I had an issue it would become easier, and maybe I would be shamed into stopping because I would have to be honest with my partner when I failed or I was struggling etc.

Oh how naive I was!  Sure, in the early days after telling my partner about my porn issues I felt better that my secret was out, and for a while I had a renewed sense of energy and purpose.

It didn’t last!

When you are addicted to something, you lie, and you lie a lot.  I was no different.  The problem was my secret was no longer a secret.  She knew, but did that stop me from lying to her about what I was doing?  What do you think?

Crisis As Change

What caused my change?  For me it was the collapse of my 19 year long relationship, seeing the resentment in the eyes of my youngest child, and generally having my whole life turned upside down and inside out.  For the longest time I was like a zombie, I didn’t know what to do or how it even happened.

Everyone’s crisis is different, some people can lose their jobs, their health, or even their freedom.  Crisis is crisis, and it is personal for each one of us.

But the good thing about crisis, if you can call it that, is that it breeds desire, desire to change.  That being said, some people can exist in crisis for a long time, and sadly some may even die in crisis.

I choose to change.

How I Choose To Stop Viewing Porn

Below is what I did to stop viewing porn and what I still continue doing daily as part of my recovery:

Step One: Desire To Change

The first thing I decided is that I wanted to change, to rid myself of behavioral addiction once and for all.  I thought about all the things I had lost because of it, the damage it had caused to myself mentally and the impacts it had upon my family mentally, emotionally and financially.

Your desire to change has to be as powerful as your desire to breathe if someone was holding your head underwater.

Make no mistake, you MUST want this.

Step Two: Porn blockers

Temptation can hit you at any moment, so it is vitally important to install porn blockers on all your devices, from laptops to phones.  Porn blockers are not an ideal solution, as for they can be circumnavigated by even the average IT user, but nonetheless they can still help.

Step Three: Stop watching porn!

The next thing I did was to stop watching porn.  Simple huh?  Not bloody easy that’s for sure, but essential.  You can’t stop being an alcoholic till you stop drinking, or a drug addict till you stop injecting etc.

Take it one hour, one day at a time.  Keep working at it, resolve that you are stronger than your addiction.  You will have good days and bad, take the rough with the smooth and keep going.

Step Four: Use a calendar

I put a calendar on my bedroom wall where I circled off everyday that I had been porn and masturbation free.  It’s a great reminder and motivator.  I understand you can also get an app for your phone that monitors your progress too.

Use what works for you!

Step Five: Be kind to yourself

I vowed not to beat myself up if and when I failed.  I went about 4 weeks straight without any issues, and then I thought one video wont harm.  That one little porn ‘treat’ led to a 6 day straight porn binge!

It’s so very easy to self destruct, so it is essential to be easy on yourself.  Practice self care, make sure your looking after your basic needs.  It’s easy to neglect yourself and others.

Step Six: Get help!

When I first told my partner about my porn addiction I thought I could watch a few videos about it and everything would be fine and dandy.  Nope!  My partner suggested I saw a therapist, why would I want to see one of them I would retort!

A good therapist is worth their weight in gold, make no mistake.  When I first went to my therapist it took a few moments to compose myself before I told her the real reason I was there.  The shame I felt telling her was unreal, but trust me there probably isn’t much you can tell them they haven’t heard before!

Step Seven: Have An Accountability Buddy

Ask someone you trust if they will be your ‘accountability buddy’.  This is a person who you tell when you failed, feel like giving in and the reasons why.  You want someone who you trust highly and who is non-judgemental.

I use my therapist as this person, you could use a Dr, there are even groups online that offer this kind of support to recovering porn addicts.

Personally, I would not suggest using your spouse or significant other as in my experience it seldom brings a couple closer.  Your spouse will most likely be dealing with issues relating to your porn use, so she will need to heal separately to you.

Step Eight: The Devil makes work for idle hands

When you are giving up porn, you will discover like I did, just how much spare time you have.  At my worst I could spend 40 hours a week viewing porn and masturbating, that was on top of a full-time job!  If you are like me, then you will have a lot of spare time.

Do something constructive, in case you can’t tell I started a blog with all my spare time.  I also read more than I used to and I meditate too.  There are many things you can do, some men enjoy hitting the gym, or some other physical activity to use up that new found physical and mental energy you WILL have.

It’s A Long Road

Recovery isn’t a short road and it takes a long term view.  I am no expert in this matter, I have been free of porn and masturbation for over 60 days now and I am learning more and more each day, but there will be tests in the future that I have no doubt over, but that’s life.

I have read about others in recovery that have been ‘clean’ much longer than I have, some over 300 days and they have ‘failed’.  This isn’t an easy road that’s for sure, but it is worth it, that I can tell you from my limited experience of recovery.

Every week I write a post called ‘Jae’s Journey’ this is where I post about my progress during recovery and other things.  You can read the last one here.

I firmly believe with all my heart and mind that this curse of pornography can be removed from a persons life once and for all, and if I didn’t believe that, then why would I be here telling you my journey.

The journey begins with the courage to change.

Control, Goals, God And Religion, happiness, positive thinking, Success

My Path To Being A Disciple Of God.

At the start of 2019 I didn’t know what was going to happen to me, I was just bumbling along in life as you do, and then wham, the world I once knew ended.  My whole world turned upside down.

But, I knew one thing though.  Life was not going to be the same again.

I didn’t suddenly wake up one day and say hey I know what I am going to do with my life, I’m going to become one of Gods Warriors, a disciple if you will. What the heck does that even mean? I don’t mean to say these things as some sort of arrogant statement, because that is not who I am.  Maybe sometimes I am.

Soul Searching Is Good

These past few months have caused me to do a lot of soul searching, maybe you could call it a some kind of mid-life crisis, maybe a turning point would be more fitting.  It doesn’t matter what triggered this, or even how it is labeled. What matters is how I feel inspired to proceed with my life.

There is very much a sense of knowing in my life now, a sense of things to be done. I have no idea how this knowing is going to be manifested in my life on a day to day, or even a week to week basis. Does it even matter? In the past I would of said yes, but today it doesn’t matter much.

My intention now is to live a Godly life, and this means different things to different people, and that is fine. The materialist and the ego driven souls will laugh at the mere concept of living a divinely inspired life, but that is also fine.

What Is A Godly Life

Do I actually know what living a Godly life looks like? As I said before I am very much an apprentice, and my perceptions are very much limited. From my humble and limited observations, if I would to look back on my generally ego driven life I can see now where I have strayed from the path and I suppose in essence I can use that as a kind of way-marker if you will.

Really, from the point of view of God, we never truly get lost for long. Maybe we confuse ourselves over many life times, but in time I think we all come back to God in our own and unique way and time-scale.

As the old saying goes “Man plans, and God laughs”.

God isn’t emotionally invested in what we do, or how we behave. God has all the time in the universe, and possibly so do we as divine beings, but I, the consciousness that I call Jae is short on time, considering the average mortal life span is some where around about the age of 80 something.

I feel that I have a lot to achieve on this mortal coil, but the problem is I’m not actually sure what it is I am supposed to be achieving.

As the Oracle said in the first Matrix film;

Oracle : Sorry, kid. You got the gift, but it looks like you’re waiting for something.

Neo : What?

Oracle : Your next life, maybe. Who knows? That’s the way these things go.

We all have the ‘gift’ and some of us manifest these gifts for the benefit of others, and the rest of us seem to be waiting for something.  Maybe we can all realize our potential in the next life time, or even the next 1,000 life times, who knows?

We Have To Make A Choice

One thing I am learning, albeit slowly, is that we have to make a choice.  It’s a scary choice for many people, but as daunting as it maybe, we have to choose between the ‘red pill’ and the ‘blue pill’.

We have to believe that God will catch us as we fall through the rabbit-hole into the world of faith and discipline.  It’s a scary prospect having faith in something that the world says your crazy to ‘believe’ in, but faith is what you need and you need a lot of it, living through the heart in a world controlled by the cold intellect and ego is a scary place indeed.

Letting go of control, the ego and intellect is very scary, but through faith and  discipline I firmly believe things become easier. I am far from an expert, but I am trusting more and more.

I would be a liar if I said that letting go is easy and not fear inducing, but I think staying in this limited tribal reality is more scary.

Well then, there is only one thing for it, and as Morpheus said in the Matrix…

Just breathe, Neo“. 

Breathe, be still, be at one with God.  I think that is sound advice indeed. 

Journey Of Jae

Journey Of Jae – 29 Sep 2019

What’s Jae’s Journey?

In a nutshell, Jae’s journey is about transformation. When I started this journey I was struggling, really struggling. I am a recovering porn and masturbation addict, and like other addicts I have recurring mental health issues.

This is my on-going journey.

Monk and Hard Mode Updates

  • Hard mode – 59 days
  • Monk mode – 1 days.

Note: Progress is good, although monk mode ended today because my partner and I made love and I had an orgasm. Am I disappointed that I ‘failed’ at monk mode? Not at all! An orgasm from porn or the selfish act of masturbation is totally different than an orgasm shared with the person you love.

Personal Disciplines For Today

  • 20 minutes meditation today
  • Fasted for 16 hours.
  • No calisthenics today
  • Regular repetition of affirmations.
  • Visualized the manifestation of my goals both in the morning and before falling sleep.
  • Read for 60 minutes.

This Weeks Affirmation

‘My potential to succeed is infinite’

What I’m Grateful For Today

Today, I am grateful for God and all the good things he is giving me.

How Am I Feeling

There have been moments today where I have doubted my ability to create the future that I desire.  Today seems to be one of those days where my mind is struggling to keep positive.  I am not dwelling on negative thoughts, but at times it feels like my thoughts are like a jack in a box, every time I think I have rid myself of a negative thought, another one pops up and says “hello, I’m here, don’t ignore me!”.

Everyday is a challenge, an opportunity to show who is the master of my destiny.  I do not shrink from the on-going battle between light and dark.

I am the master of my universe!

Thought Of The Day

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What I’m Reading This Week

 

What’s It About

The Power of Your Subconscious Mind introduces and explains the mind-focusing techniques that remove the subconscious obstacles that prevent us from achieving the success we want-and deserve.

This authorized edition of Dr. Murphy’s keystone work is the first premium mass market edition to feature additional commentary drawn from his unpublished writings.

As practical as it is inspiring, Dr. Murphy’s work demonstrates with real-life examples the way to unleash extraordinary mental powers to build self-confidence, create harmonious relationships, gain professional success, amass wealth, conquer fears and phobias, banish bad habits, and even to effect physical healing and promote overall well-being and happiness.

Find out more and read the reviews

God And Religion, positive thinking, Success

A Spiritual Code, Is A Warriors Code

We all have a code that we live by, it doesn’t matter if we are conscious of that fact or not.  The code we live by is often crafted by our parents, peers or society in general.  Do we even know what our code consists of, well you do when someone disrespects it!

I suppose you could call this way of living as being morally correct, ethically right or even universal law to an extent.  Really, what our personal code of conduct boils down to is how we view the world, or how we think the world should be.  We believe the way we see things is right, and the views of others is either down right wrong, or distorted in some way.

I have had a code that I have lived by for a long time and mostly it has served me fairly well, but through the help of my therapy and my ever increasing perception of my previous and current behaviors I am slowly changing my own personal code.  I am crafting this code of honor so to speak on a weekly and daily basis.  Almost every week I am finding something to rid myself of, or at least to re-evaluate in some way.

I Have A Code

I have always found the mind of the warrior to be something worthy of study, not so much the modern warrior mentality, but the ancient Samurai etc.  They had a very firm code of conduct, they spent countless hours perfecting both their physical arts, but also their mental disciplines.  I spent a number of years practicing various martial arts and I spent many a mis-spent evening reading various Eastern philosophies connected with the likes of the Samurai.

I am slowly crafting both my mental, emotional and spiritual disciplines along the lines of the ancient warrior disciplines.

I am not a physical warrior by any stretch of the imagination, but at times I do have the mind of one.  This is something in time I wish to embrace and nurture much more.

I Have Crafted Some Outlines For My ‘Warriors Code’

  • Have the courage and strength to go beyond my self imposed limitations
  • In the great silence is the I am.
  • I use negative in my life as a learning experience, and a cause for growth
  • Balance is the middle path
  • My word is law to me
  • Living a life of acceptance, gratitude and detachment
  • Judge nothing
  • Don’t defend or force my views
  • Respect all living beings, no matter how different they are from me
  • My power comes from divine mind
  • Life is sacred
  • Accept and understand death, but not to fear it
  • To be physically, mentally, emotionally disciplined

Note: List updated 28 Sep 2019

The above is a little long winded, so there will indeed be some fine tuning before I can settle on maybe a list of possibly 5 or 10 core aspects.

I am finding the re-evaluation of  my long held beliefs to be something rather cathartic and liberating, although I am finding the  process of removing long held beliefs to be a scary and daunting experience at times.  I know I can’t stand still, because the fear of stagnation is often more daunting than the fear of the unknown.

Here’s to the elimination and liberation of long held and restricting beliefs!

I would be interested to hear if anyone has a code they live by or something similar?

Journey Of Jae

Journey Of Jae – 28 Sep 2019

What’s Jae’s Journey?

In a nutshell, Jae’s journey is about transformation.  When I started this journey I was struggling, really struggling.  I am a recovering porn and masturbation addict, and like other addicts I have recurring mental health issues.

This is my on-going journey.

Monk and Hard Mode Updates

  • Hard mode – 58 days
  • Monk mode – 0 days.

Note: Progress is good, although monk mode ended today because my partner and I made love and I had an orgasm.  Am I disappointed that I ‘failed’ at monk mode?  Not at all!  An orgasm from porn or the selfish act of masturbation is totally different than an orgasm shared with the person you love.

Personal Disciplines For Today

  • 20 minutes meditation today
  • Fasted for 16 hours.
  • No calisthenics today
  • Regular repetition of affirmations.
  • Visualized the manifestation of my goals both in the morning and before falling sleep.
  • Read for 60 minutes.

This Weeks Affirmation

‘My potential to succeed is infinite’

What I’m Grateful For Today

Today, I am grateful for having a long weekend off work.  My body and soul needs the rest.

How Am I Feeling

Today has been a relaxing day, there really isn’t much to say.  If in doubt say and do nothing.  😀

Thought Of The Day

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Inspiring True Story

About ‘Green Book’

Set in America in 1962, Green Book tells the heart-warming true story of Tony Lip (Viggo Mortensen), a working-class Italian-American bouncer who takes on a job as a chauffeur for Dr. Don Shirley (Mahershala Ali), a highly-educated African-American classical pianist.

Watch ‘Green Book’ now!

My Review

The best films are often those based upon true stories, and this film is certainly no exception.  I enjoyed the film from beginning to end, I found the story to be heart warming and to see the relationship between the two main characters develop was touching.

What I found interesting is that both Tony Lip and Dr Don Shirley maintained their friendship till they both passed away within months of each other in 2013.

I would most definitely rate this film as a must watch, and I think I will probably watch it again too.