Journey Of Jae, Mental Health, monk mode, Porn Addiction

Journey Of Jae – 23 Oct 2019

What’s Jae’s Journey About?

In a nutshell, Jae’s journey is about transformation. When I started this journey I was struggling, really struggling. I am a recovering porn and masturbation addict, and like other addicts I have recurring mental health issues.

This is my on-going journey.

Hard Mode Updates

This has been my first update in a while, so whats been happening?  Well, as things stand I have been porn and masturbation free for 83 days today!  Go me!…lol

The Less Good News

That’s the good news, the less good news is that we still haven’t found another property to rent as yet, our landlord is being ‘tolerant’ with us, but I do wonder how long that will last.  I told him a few weeks back that I am not going to move my disabled partner and children into a substandard property just to please him.  If he doesn’t like it then he will just have to take us to court, and legally speaking we haven’t done a thing wrong.

Anyway, let us see what the next few weeks bring.

The Bad News

Now, the really not good news is that last week I found out that my dad has a terminal brain tumor and he has been given just 6 months to live.  There is no treatment that is available to him because physically he is very weak and it would be unlikely that he would survive the treatment.

My dad hasn’t had the best year so far, as back in the summer he under went a quadruple heart bypass, which to be honest I didn’t expect him to survive due to his other medical issues.

The only good news concerning my dad is that he isn’t in pain, and it is unlikely that he will experience any for the remainder of his time.

Personal Disciplines This Week

  • Fasted for 16 hours.
  • Regular repetition of affirmations.
  • Read for an hour per day

Darkest Before The Dawn

These last few weeks haven’t been easy for me, but I am still maintaining a sense of emotional balance which I am actually pleasantly surprised about.  I am not sure how often I will be able to write considering the challenges that I am facing regarding our housing situation and the illness of my dad, oh and I almost forgot, I could also be facing unemployment due to challenges within my company.

Like the rest of us, I have two options to facing my challenges, one is to be crushed and defeated by them, and the other is to rise and face them head on.  I have been crushed in the past, and I know how it makes me feel, so I choose to rise and look my challenges square in the eyes and face my fears head on.

Onwards dear friends!

 

Donate To My Path

I am constantly seeking to learn and grow, please help me to purchase new books so I can expand my knowledge of personal growth, addiction, recovery etc so that I may give back to you the reader with better and better content. 🙂

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Anger, Goals, God And Religion, gratitude, Journey Of Jae, Mental Health, monk mode, Porn Addiction, positive thinking, Success

Journey Of Jae – 06 Oct 2019

What’s Jae’s Journey About?

In a nutshell, Jae’s journey is about transformation. When I started this journey I was struggling, really struggling. I am a recovering porn and masturbation addict, and like other addicts I have recurring mental health issues.

This is my on-going journey.

Monk and Hard Mode Updates

  • Hard mode – 66 days
  • Monk mode – 8 days.

Note: I am feeling very pleased and positive with my progress concerning my ongoing progress of my porn and masturbation recovery.  I am getting closer and closer to my first target of 90 days without incident!

Personal Disciplines This Week

  • 20 minutes meditation today
  • Fasted for 16 hours.
  • Regular repetition of affirmations.
  • Visualized the manifestation of my goals both in the morning and before falling sleep.

This Weeks Affirmation

‘“I am effortlessly intending that money comes to me’

What I’m Grateful For This Week

Today, I am grateful that God has blessed me with opportunities and inspiration.

How Have I Been Feeling

This week has been crazy busy, things have been moving, not so much physically, but mentally.  This is a really good sign, it’s not something I have felt for a long, long time.  I don’t want to say too much at the moment as I don’t wish to ruin things, but I can safely say that riding myself of porn and masturbation etc has really jump started things for me much more than I ever expected.

My next ‘Jaes Journey’ should be a little more revealing regarding that I have been up to.  Sorry to be secretive, but sometimes it’s much more important to say nothing.

So, in the mean time I will leave you with…

Thought Of The Week

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What I’m Reading This Week

What’s It About

The Biology of Belief is a groundbreaking work in the field of new biology. Former medical school professor and research scientist Bruce H. Lipton PhD presents his experiments, and those of other leading-edge scientists, which examine in great detail the mechanisms by which cells receive and process information.

The implications of this research radically change our understanding of life, showing that genes and DNA do not control our biology; instead, DNA is controlled by signals from outside the cell, including the energetic messages emanating from our positive and negative thoughts.

This profoundly hopeful synthesis of the latest and best research in cell biology and quantum physics has been hailed as a major breakthrough, showing that our bodies can be changed as we retrain our thinking. This 10th-anniversary edition of Bruce Lipton’s bestselling book is updated with the latest scientific discoveries of the past ten years.

Find out more and read the reviews

Watch The FREE lecture

Help Support My Path

Donate To My Path

I am constantly seeking to learn and grow, please help me to purchase new books so I can expand my knowledge of personal growth, addiction, recovery etc so that I may give back to you the reader with better and better content. 🙂

£5.00

Control, Diet, Goals, gratitude, Mental Health, monk mode, Porn Addiction, positive thinking, Success

Journey Of Jae – 25 Sep 2019

Monk and Hard Mode Updates

  • Hard mode – 55 days
  • Monk mode – 15 days.

Note: Nothing to report here.

Personal Disciplines For Today

  • No meditation today
  • Fasted for 16 hours.
  • No calisthenics today
  • Regular repetition of affirmations.
  • Visualized the manifestation of my goals both in the morning and before falling sleep.
  • Read for 60 minutes at lunch time.
  • Day 3 of Keto diet transition period

This Weeks Affirmation

“I accept abundance into my life”

What I’m Grateful For Today

Today I’m grateful for my life, my family and the wisdom I have gained.

How Am I Feeling

I had a bit of a realization today, it was a bit of a eureka moment.  I was in the bath tub reading and I laid down for a soak, and a short while later I was hit by a sudden ‘a ha’ moment and things that I have been contemplating recently clicked into place.

I don’t want to discuss things to much here because I need to test, test and test some more and see if the theory of this eureka moment actually holds water.

If things go as my inspiration leads me to believe, then this revelation for me will be life changing, and I don’t say that lightly.

Thought Of The Day

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What I’m Currently Reading

In the pages of Three Magic Words, you will learn of the unlimited power that is yours. You will learn how you can turn this power to work for you, here on earth, to make your life majestic and overflowing with good. Three Magic Words is not a religion or a sect or a society.

In its entirety it is a series of essays aimed at revealing to you your power over all things. You will learn that there is only one mover in all creation and that mover is thought.

You will learn that there is only one creator and that creator is the Universal Subconscious Mind, or God. You will learn that this creator creates for you exactly what you think, and you will be shown how you can control your thoughts, not only to obtain answers to your problems but to create in your experience exactly what you desire. Read More

 

Control, Exercise Routine, Goals, Mental Health, monk mode, Porn Addiction, positive thinking, Success

Journey Of Jae – 23 Sep 2019

Monk and Hard Mode Updates

  • Hard mode – 53 days
  • Monk mode – 13 days.

Note: I have noticed over the past two days I have been starting to have sexual thoughts, they are very mild, but they are there none the less.  I am choosing not to dwell on these thoughts, but as yet I am unable to find the source of them.

Personal Disciplines For Today

  • 20 Minutes Meditation.
  • Fasted for 16 hours.
  • 15 minutes of my special calisthenics routine.
  • Regular repetition of affirmations.
  • Visualized the manifestation of my goals both in the morning and before falling sleep.
  • Read for 30 minutes at lunch time.
  • Day 1 of keto diet

This Weeks Affirmation

“I accept abundance into my life”

Other News

Challenges, challenges, challenges.  Our landlord emailed me today to remind us that we have two weeks before we are supposed to leave.  He will be a little annoyed when I tell him we haven’t found anywhere suitable to move to yet.

How Am I Feeling

Despite these new challenges I am actually still feeling pretty good.  Life isn’t ideal, and in many ways it is unstable, but it is perfect the way it is.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change”

Thought Of The Day

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Did you like the above image?  If so, why not follow me on Pinterest

What I’m Currently Reading

In the pages of Three Magic Words, you will learn of the unlimited power that is yours. You will learn how you can turn this power to work for you, here on earth, to make your life majestic and overflowing with good. Three Magic Words is not a religion or a sect or a society.

In its entirety it is a series of essays aimed at revealing to you your power over all things. You will learn that there is only one mover in all creation and that mover is thought.

You will learn that there is only one creator and that creator is the Universal Subconscious Mind, or God. You will learn that this creator creates for you exactly what you think, and you will be shown how you can control your thoughts, not only to obtain answers to your problems but to create in your experience exactly what you desire. Read More

 

Diet, Goals, Mental Health, monk mode, Porn Addiction, positive thinking, Success

Journey Of Jae – 22 Sep 2019

Monk and Hard Mode Updates

  • Hard mode – 52 days
  • Monk mode – 12 days.

I was reading back in my journal and I completely forgot that I experienced a wet dream that took me out of monk mode.  I am not overly concerned as my main goal is to remove my porn problem, and semen retention is a secondary goal at this moment in time.

Progress is progress, so all is good!

Personal Disciplines For Today

  • 20 Minutes Meditation.
  • Fasted for 12 hours.
  • 15 minutes of my special calisthenics routine.
  • Regular repetition of affirmations.
  • Visualized the manifestation of my goals both in the morning and before falling sleep.
  • Read for 30 minutes at lunch time.

This Weeks Affirmation

“I accept abundance into my life”

Other News

Tomorrow I will be starting my slow transition to following a Ketogenic diet.  So, as from Monday I will be removing bread, pasta and rice from my diet and increasing my dietary fat content.

I would be interested to know if any readers have any experience of following a Ketogenic diet, either good, bad or indifferent.  Let me know in the comments box below.

How Am I Feeling

Things have been progressing really well these past few weeks, I am slowly rewiring my brain to accept much more positive thoughts and I am reaping the rewards, although very rarely I do think that this is too good to last, and maybe I am due for a reversal of fortunes so to speak.

Don’t worry I stop those types of thoughts before they go any further.  I refuse to accept them as a reality in my life.

So yes, life is good, and getting better.  🙂

Thought Of The Day

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Did you like the above image?  If so, why not follow me on Pinterest

What I’m Currently Reading

In the pages of Three Magic Words, you will learn of the unlimited power that is yours. You will learn how you can turn this power to work for you, here on earth, to make your life majestic and overflowing with good. Three Magic Words is not a religion or a sect or a society.

In its entirety it is a series of essays aimed at revealing to you your power over all things. You will learn that there is only one mover in all creation and that mover is thought.

You will learn that there is only one creator and that creator is the Universal Subconscious Mind, or God. You will learn that this creator creates for you exactly what you think, and you will be shown how you can control your thoughts, not only to obtain answers to your problems but to create in your experience exactly what you desire. Read More

 

Abuse, Anger, Control, Mental Health, Porn Addiction

What Is The ‘Pathway To Recovery’?

You might be thinking why a website that is about spiritual growth, meditation, mindfulness and all things self development would be called ‘The Pathway To Recovery‘.  Probably, sounds more like a website that has more in common with drug or alcohol addiction doesn’t it?

That’s actually not so far from the truth.

I created this website to document my path from a dysfunctional and uninspiring life to one of spiritual devotion and fulfillment.

This is my story, and my path.

My Name Is Jae, And This Is How I Got Here

One day your going along business as usual  and then wham, the shit hits the fan and before you know it your back living with your parents at the age of 43!

Yep, that was my life for over two months.  An 18 year relationship had ended, my thirteen year old son hated me and I was living in my parents spare bedroom.

What you maybe wondering led to those unfortunate events?  Well, in short, me!  Basically I was an arsehole, nope that’s not fair, I was and to an extent still am dysfunctional.  Actually, that’s not fair either.  Let’s put it this way, I had issues.

The main problem I had that caused many problems in my life was my addictive behavior related to pornography and masturbation and it’s resulting anger issues.

The Journey Towards Porn And Masturbation Addiction

When I were a lad….

selective focus photography of man with blonde hair

By modern standards I discovered porn late in life, I was 15 if memory serves me correctly.  I remember being in the garage and going through the cupboards and tucked at the back was a large envelope.  Naturally, being a teenager curiosity got the better of me and I had to have a look.  Inside this envelope there were several pornographic magazines…sheesh How old am I!  Do they even produce porn magazines now??

That was my first introduction to pornography and being a horny teenager my desires were very easily aroused.  It wasn’t that long before I discovered my dads collection of ‘hardcore’ pornographic VHS tapes (told ya I was old…lol).  This created the basis for the secrecy concerning porn that would last till relatively recently.

You see, back in them days our house only had one TV and one VHS player and that was situated in the main living room of the house.  Which just happened to be directly under my parents bedroom!

Now, cue the theme music to Mission Impossible, because in order for me to get my twice weekly fix of porn I had to do some strange ass shit.

This is how an average evening would transpire for the horny teenaged me.

My parents would go to bed about 10:30pm and I would wait impatiently for about 45 minutes till I was sure they were settled.  I would then carefully open and close my bedroom door and creep all the way downstairs and into the kitchen.

Then I would get the keys to the garage (remember, that’s where my dad kept his stash) and I would proceed to very, very slowly open the creaky and squeaky garage door.  Sometimes I feel that the garage door took a bloody eternity to open.

Once I had removed the videos and retraced my steps like a true ninja back into the kitchen, I would then proceed onto the living room and watch and masturbate to my hearts penis’s content.  The night wouldn’t end until I had at least one orgasm, and sometimes I would stay watching till about 4 or 5am.

I can’t remember how long I used the  porn videos and magazines for, but I do know it stopped when we got the Internet!

Actually, thinking back I do remember my dad saying that he knew I had found his ‘stash’ and I should just ask if I wanted to use them.

Ewww automatic buzz kill right there dad……lol

The Year Was 1994?

Not sure of the exact year, could of been 1996.  All I know was this was the year I discovered Internet porn on dial-up.  Yep, them were the days when it took between 5-10 minutes to download a 30 – 60 second porn clip.  When I say porn clip, I’m NOT talking full screen UHD quality, I am talking poor quality and think of the screen size of around 3 inches by 3 inches!

There was no streaming porn back in them dark old days of dial-up.  The weapon of choice back then was pictures and lots, and lots of them.  The very first commercial chat rooms I went into was something called Microsoft Comic Chat, and what generally happened as soon as you entered a room dedicated to porn, was that you would receive at least 6 pictures from complete strangers for you wanking pleasure.  Remember though, you always had to return the picture trading favor.

Most rooms were for general picture trading, but as I discovered later there were more, dare I say it, specialized rooms.  In the rooms you had limited control over the types of pictures people sent you, and the file names on the download were often non-descriptive.  So, really you only ever found out the type of picture when you opened the file.

turned on black laptop computer on table

I am going to be really blunt here, but generally speaking the pictures were of good old fashioned man and woman porn, with the odd bit of lesbian stuff thrown in.  However, it wasn’t long before the more extreme stuff would start being sent.

I do remember that even back in them days I would have marathon porn sessions, because we only had one computer in the house with internet access, each night I basically had to creep into the office to get my fix.  I do remember that a typical Friday and Saturday night could last from maybe 11pm to about 5 – 6am.  I recall that it was fairly common for our dial-up connection to drop out, and that would make me really angry as I would lose all the stuff I was downloading.

Marathon porn sessions started back in the 1990’s even before my access to the Internet.  I would have marathon sessions of porn films too.  Before I started to abstain from porn and masturbation, which as I write this I am on day 13, I once documented my worst porn marathon as being between 30 -35 hours in one week!

Two years ago I told my partner that I was addicted to porn, and she was supportive and understanding, but she also felt betrayed and hurt.  I thought by telling her that it  would help me stop it, but it didn’t.  I have tried a number of times to stop, and at my best I managed almost a month.  I always seem to fail for the same reason, its as if I am going along all fine and I get that urge and fight it for a few days and then justify it to myself that I have done well and once wont hurt and then bang, 7 day marathon, followed by the guilt and self loathing.

I have now started therapy for among other things, my porn addiction.  Although it is common for a therapist to discuss porn usage within relationships, I did feel very awkward for even mentioning it to her.  I promised my partner I would be honest, and that was what I was.

So now as I write this there are only three people who know me personally who know about my porn addiction, my partner, my Doctor and my Therapist.  I do think telling my therapist was a great idea as it keeps me accountable, and I really don’t want the shame of telling a stranger that I failed.  I know I could always lie, but I didn’t want to.

The Shame Of My Porn Addiction

It took me almost 15 years to tell my partner about my problem with porn.  I couldnt tell anyone about watching porn, not even my friends and certainly not my family.  The shame I felt was so real and painful.  The interesting thing was that it took a long time to recognize that I was actually ashamed!

When I finally told my partner about my problem, her reaction was almost as I expected it to be. The unforeseen issue that I didn’t see was the negative impact it had on our relationship. I thought by telling my partner about my problem it would bring us closer in a way, wrong!

I thought it would help me stop my addictive behavior, wrong again!

Not sure what I expected, but whatever it was, I didn’t get it.

Porn has completely skewed my brain, what I thought I wanted sexually, I didn’t, or at least I don’t think I did, outside of porn that is. My porn of choice was BDSM, and it gravitated to more extreme and humiliating scenes over the years. During one of our many frank conversations, my partner divulged her sexually submissive nature, and that was it, red flag to a bull.

That was my opportunity to bring my long held porn fantasies into my life. I wanted to dominate her so badly. In time I turned her more submissive than she actually was, she went along with things even though she hated it much of the time. The trouble is most of the time I hated it too. It was far, far to serious. My partner said all the playfulness had gone.

She was right.

I thought I hated it because she wasn’t in to it, and maybe that was sometimes true. Most of the time I just felt empty, like that feeling when you buy into the advertising of a product, you save all your money and when you finally get your toy it’s a massive let down.

When I tried to bring the porn into our lives it had a big impact on our relationship, to the point where my partner felt like she was nothing more than a sex object for my use.  Can I lay all the blame at the door of porn? No, of course not. That would be far to easy, and not at all honest.

The constant use porn and negative and destructive thinking had totally messed with my mind, I didn’t know what I wanted, what I liked and who I really was. It’s was very confusing and lonely place to be.

For A Long Time I Thought I Was Broken Beyond Fixing

If you saw me at the height of my crisis and asked me how I felt, I would of described myself as broken, hell I even looked broken at times. The life had left me, I felt hopeless and without a cause in my life.

There was nothing, zip, nada.

After months of working on myself and with the help of therapy, would I still call myself broken? I wouldn’t call myself healed, that’s for sure, but broken? No, way!

Am I the same person I was before I hit crisis point? No, and I’m certainly not born again either. I was and still am in no mans land at the moment. No mans land isn’t a bad place to be, it’s actually pretty cool really.

What I like about no mans land is that it’s a place you pass through on the way to healing-ville, it’s somewhere you stop and have a good look around, smell the roses so to speak and then when your ready, get back on the road to healing-ville.  In the distance I can see the road sign to healing-ville, it looks nice, but I know it’s not for me yet.

Behind me I see something that looks like a scene out of an apocalyptic film, there are dead and decaying bodies every where, the city is in darkness and is burning. I can hear screams of people begging to be saved, begging for me to come back. Who are those voices, those dead and decaying bodies on the ground? Maybe they are aspects of my personality or even traumas from my past being released?

What I do know is to survive in a place like that would require one to be very tough and very cold. Maybe that is what I have escaped from?

The inner worlds are indeed a strange place.  The danger of being in no mans land is that you are constantly so close to doom and failure, one slip and your being dragged back to be once again part of their doomed city, fighting everyday for survival.

I’m Not A Masochist, But I Love To Hate Suffering

Suffering is good for the Soul, well so they say.  We all suffer, everyday we are suffering in one form or another.  For 30 years I have suffered at the hands (no pun intended) of my porn and masturbation addiction.

This past year alone I have learnt so much about the damage it has caused both to myself and to others.

You might be thinking that this is a website about porn and masturbation recovery and when I started blogging as part of my recovery both on this website and on others, that was what I focused on.

I ranted, moaned, complained, you name it I did it.  This was part of my recovery, and it wasn’t pretty, but it was part of my process.

That’s my point to you.  This is my story, and we all have a story to tell don’t we?  We all have done things we are not proud of, and said things that have been hurtful etc.  That’s part of our story, but it’s in the past, at least that is where it should be kept.

For most of us though, we don’t keep our story in the past, we keep it alive and well and fully energized.

Do We Become Victims Of Our Stories

We love story telling don’t we?  Humans love a good story, a little bit of suspense here, some romance there and a bit of murder thrown in for good measure.  We are all born story tellers, our egos loves to recount their experiences of pain, misery and suffering.

Look at me yells the ego, look at my misery, isn’t terrible?!  Just don’t try and compete with another ego, because no matter how much you may have suffered it could never possibly compare!

We actually love to hate the shit that we tell ourselves!  We tell other people they need to change, to get over themselves etc.  But, as soon someone points out something we need to change, or we identify that need within ourselves we can come back with a hundred reasons why we can’t do it.

It’s amazing how the ego will give us a 100 valid reasons why we can’t change, and they are never excuses –  those are what other people use.

The lies we tell ourselves would be humorous if it wasn’t so sad.

Abuse, Anger, Control, Mental Health, Porn Addiction

Growth Through Suffering

Everyday We All Suffer…

If we are honest with ourselves we would know that it is true. In Buddhist doctrine it is stated that suffering is caused by personal desire and selfish craving.

When I started on my path I was really suffering, I experienced weeks of intense suffering and self hatred. I was so negative all the time literally my mind was filled with negative thoughts about myself, about others, about the way things should be, about how they are.

It was a constant bombardment, from the moment I was semi conscious in the morning till went I to sleep at night. It was so tiring, but I didn’t know any different, this had been my daily experience for about 30 years.

With the help of therapy I started to make changes, but lets not mince words, it was hard. I had tried many times in the past to change my negative mindset, but I struggled with it.

Here’s an example. I can go full on positive mode and do my best not to let things get me down, but the negativity is like a huge dam. The energy just builds and builds, and then it has to come out. I think I can only relate to being sexually teased for ages, and then desire gets so strong that it ends up with a massive orgasm and your like where did that come from.

When I tried to focus on the positive and ignore the negative, it would just build and build and then I generally explode in fits of extreme anger, not violence, because that’s wasn’t my thing.

There was no middle ground with my thoughts, it was all or nothing. As my therapist told me, I do a lot of ‘Black and White’ thinking, rumination (that’s my specialty by the way) and of course one of my new favorite words, catastrophizing.

Cyclic Low Mood

All of my adult life I have experienced very frequent low moods. When I was in my early twenties friends would ask me if there was anything I felt happy about, and my answer was generally no. I didn’t think I got honestly excited by anything in life since my early childhood. There was nothing that really got me excited. Some people can list loads of things that get their juices flowing so to speak, but for me it was, zilch, zip, nada.

I remember in one of my therapy sessions, I said to my therapist that I felt dead inside, I told her that I was rarely excited by anything in life anymore. I felt so devoid of energy, or should that be spark. At times it worried me that there seemed to be nothing left inside of me, other than negativity.

I didn’t want to be this way for the rest of my life, but I didn’t know what caused these cyclic low moods. There was a part of me that thought I shouldn’t get back with my partner because my low moods were part of the problem before, among other things. I just couldn’t see anything positive at the time, and I knew that it was just the low mood talking.

I thought to myself, how could anyone love and enjoy the company of someone who experienced so many low moods. I knew this was all self pity, but it was hard not to think that way when my whole adult life had been controlled by low moods.

I knew that low moods could be changed, and I had tried various things, but nothing ever seemed to help. The more positive I tried to be, the more I replaced negative thoughts with positive, or at least neutral ones, the more mentally tired it would make me. In turn that made me even more depressed and the cycle would continue to spiral and repeat.

I really hated this, and I so struggled with it. If that wasn’t bad enough I had even more issues to work with.

Manipulative and Controlling Behaviors

During a therapy session one of the things I was helped to identify was my manipulative and controlling behavior. I didn’t know why I did it, but I came to understand that essentially I feared the loss of control.

So, why do I do it then? Could it be as simple as seeking a reaction from people? To be noticed maybe, or even to feel validated in some way? I don’t set out to push peoples buttons, well that’s not true, some times I do, just for the reaction. This was one of the reasons that caused the separation between my partner and I.

My therapist once asked me bluntly why I ‘pushed the buttons’ of my partner, when this was supposed to be the person I loved? Good question I said, couldn’t give her an answer.

Something to think about she said.

Yep, it sure was!

Why I did it didn’t even make logical sense. I hated the hassle of fights and stress, but I often went out of my way to cause them. That was hardly how someone who wanted peace in their life would behave.

I came to understand that I didn’t want peace, I wanted to actually be miserable and suffer, because being among positive people actually made me feel uncomfortable so I had to sabotage. These were not conscious thoughts, these were deeply held beliefs from my past.

These Beliefs Made Me Angry

I said to my therapist that I think my porn/masturbation addiction maybe connected to my issues of repressed anger. I had thought this before, because a couple of times I had noticed that I had felt agitated before deciding to go and masturbate to porn.

I didn’t think it had really clicked that this was indeed what I did. Trying to piece all my issues together was like trying to do a big jig saw puzzle without know what the picture was supposed to look like.

I wasn’t always angry, I was not one of those people who would go around angry all the time freaking out over the smallest thing. I knew there were things in my relationships/family that really triggered my anger. I discovered that much of my anger was learnt behavior from my dad. My therapist seemed to agree with that observation too.

Whether the behavior was learnt from my dad or what not is irrelevant. I knew I was the only person who was responsible for my words and actions, both now, past and in the future.

As I thought about how my anger manifests when I was at home, the logical answer that came to me was that I lacked the ability to deal with frustration. When I felt frustrated, attacked, threatened in anyway, I resorted to the default safety mechanism that was porn and masturbation.

I needed new tools, I had to learn about ‘Cognitive Restructuring’ and how to express anger in a constructive and positive way.

Re-framing My Mind

I had to think about what I could do to change my destructive thought patterns.

I came up with a few ideas that I thought would work. I created a list that I believed would set me on the right track to changing my thoughts.

  • I repeated the ‘Serenity Prayer’ once every hour. The prayer goes like this:

Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

  • I decided to give up reading or watching the news, I didn’t watch or read it much anyway, because it was just so negative and depressing all the time.
  • The avoidance of all violent and degrading TV and films, which seems to be most of it these days.
  • Listening only to music that I found relaxing and uplifting. There was some music that really triggered my angry moods.
  • Stop swearing and gossiping.
  • Avoiding negative people and places. Not always easy, but as the saying goes, “LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE”.
  • Every time I caught myself having a negative thought I would instantly tell myself to think about God. I mean really think about God. Not a silly image of a man on a cloud, but what I really thought God is.

These little tools were how I started myself on the path to recovery. These were modest changes, but they worked!

You Are The One!

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There are two ways we as human beings can look at life, one of the ways is empowering and uplifting and the other is essentially destructive to self and others. If we take a moment to look around, both at ourselves, each other and the world in general, I think it is fairly easy to see that we have been for a long time living a destructive life.

I know that this has been personally true for myself. I have seen over the past two months the pain I have caused to others, and to myself. It isn’t easy to be confronted with your own darkness, but I feel that it is the only true way to healing.

Recently I have been coming to terms with how destructive my ego personality has been in my life. I have such a strong personality it can exclude every thought and feeling that is contrary to the wishes of my ego. If I had to label my ego personality, the only two words that would be fitting enough would be ‘strong’ and ‘determined’.

Being strong and determined may seem like very positive traits, and in many ways they are. When those same two traits are so strong and determined that they exclude the voices of others, hurts the feelings and self worth of others, then strong and determined is a very destructive force indeed.

My ego personality, like all ego personalities is so powerful and so loud. It is constantly barking orders. I have heard the ego personality called the “The Mini Hitler Inside” and this is so true. In essence the ego personality operates from a place of fear, the mini Hitler has to control everything and everyone so that he feels safe and secure.

Most people spend their entire lives controlled by their ego personality, constantly wanting more and more. Doesn’t matter what it is, but the ego must have more of it. The ego personality is a brilliant story teller, it loves to have people listen to it. Look at me it screams, look at all these problems I have caused, isn’t it great!

The one thing I like about the story of Jesus, Buddha and other great teachers is that it is about learning to overcome the limitations of the ego personality. The stories are heroic by their very nature. All these great teachers were showing us how to slay our demons, how to overcome our limitations as human animals, as essentially that is what we are until we have killed our beast like natures.

Most of us will maintain our beast like natures till the day that we die, outwardly we maintain the facade of being true human beings, all civil and pleasant, but mentally and emotionally we are worse than the beasts of the fields.

Until we can embrace true love, both for ourselves and each other we will always be beasts. Anybody can pretend to love others, but till we can love others as we truly love and accept ourselves then really we are harming others and ourselves.

All this harm creates a cycle of constant suffering, just as the great teachers have always said.

Yep, breaking the cycle of suffering is really hard. But, all worthy battles are worth fighting.

This battle begins and ends with YOU.

Goals, happiness, Mental Health, positive thinking, Success

Tips On Building Happiness

This week I was given some homework by my therapist, she likes to do that. It reminds me of being at school, at least this time if I don’t do it I wont get a detention.

Anyhow, one of the things my therapist gave me was a simple sheet of A4 printed paper, and on it was a list of suggestions of things that can help build happiness.

I thought I would share this short list with you. Naturally, the list is not exhaustive by any means.

Some of the suggestions on the list I have already started to incorporate in to my life, and the others are things I will be working on in time.

  • Gratitude
    • Every day write down three things you are grateful for.  Doesn’t matter how mundane you think they are.
  • Acts of Kindness
    • Make a conscious effort to do something nice for no other reason than to help someone
  • Exercise
    • The positive benefits of exercise on both our general and mental health have long been documented.
  • Meditation
    • There has been much research carried out into the benefits of meditation for improving our health both mentally, emotionally and physically.
  • Positive Journaling
    • Spend time every day writing about positive events  in your life.  This gets you into the habit of focusing more on the positive.
  • Fostering Relationships
    • Strong social connections have been shown to be a powerful influencer on our mood.  Try to spend time each day connecting with friends and family, if you can connect physically, try phoning or connecting on social media etc.

We may not be able to do all of the above every day, but I think if we managed to perform just one thing it will make a huge improvement in our happiness.  I think we are all guilty of becoming complacent in life, I know I certainly have, and to get out of this rut takes a lot of consistent effort.

May we all strive to do the best we can to bring happiness to self and others.